Day 23

I struggle sometimes to remember what life was like before all of this began. That’s my main thought this morning as I write this update and as I look at the calendar in which I track the days. Day 23 of the whole ordeal, day 14 in ICU.

I’ve spent so much time at the hospital that the cafeteria cashier has tried to give me an employee discount. Currently, I try to work at home in the morning, go up to the hospital for lunch, come back to work for a bit and then go back to the hospital in the evening.

My mother’s condition is unchanged and we know we are running out of time. We met with the doctors Monday. We agreed to wait until today to see where we stand. Today, we have to get aggressive (more surgery) or stop. My mother said many times that she does not want to be hooked up to machines but that is where we are and where we will be after surgery. And, we don’t know the length of time or what the future looks like at this point.

If we proceed, we’re rolling the dice. She could end up exactly as she does not want to or she could improve. Unfortunately, she never filled in any directives to guide us. I had records pulled from her cancer surgery in 2007 and she refused to fill out the living will per the record. I guess she assumed I would do what was best. She signed the consent form to put me in charge here also so the decision is mine and, as I write this, I am still not sure what to do.

I know that this current life is not one she wants and I don’t know if the future is promising enough for her to want that either. I just have a hard time walking away while there is still a chance. The doctors have not said that there is not a chance. It’s just too hard to tell what will happen. Things could get bad but the possibilities are still there.

That’s where we stand today. Maybe by this afternoon, the picture will become clearer.